Lost two blog posts, not sure how — carelessness and the irresolute nature of that button so boldly reading SAVE.
Great soft grey-green mounds of sage and origanum in the herb garden, far more than I need. Roses flowering white and a baby-faced pink. Sharp melodic song of the African cuckoo, the piet-my-vrou concealed in a leafy Dombeya or wild pear tree: jug-whit-hoo, jug-whit-whoo. Plum trees scattering confetti.
The housemate has knee pain and a torn ligament. She is waiting to hear back from the orthopedic surgeon and I am waiting to hear from her. Sick with helplessness and anxiety of course, but that is the nature of life, of relationships, the smooth and the rough, the awkwardly rough.
Sat and forged out, eked out, the draft of a longer fiction, good in places but half-formed and inexact too, ugly stiff writing because I am trying something new. It is always like this. My hand cramped as I held the pen over a lined notebook and then fingers hesitant on the keyboard. My mouth dry, saying and unsaying sentences in my head. All the other submissions for the month have gone, winging their way through the ether, flickering into virtual life in someone else’s mind. Now only this remains: entering the text, I can see the oblong white of the window and if I squint, a corner of the street, but I can’t get through the doorway or walk around the room. A character has her back to me, dark red peonies are wilting in a grey vase on the table. Dust thickening on surfaces.
In among the tiresome self-mythologising presentations on Facebook, this post from a young woman whose mother died a month or two ago: You taught me everything I needed except how to live without you.
She wants to tell her dream to the only one
who will get the drift. How she saw their children lying
every one dressed out in their simplest fears. They glowed,
the shape of their sentence outlined in sea green.
Among those beloved exiles
one sighed happy, as a curtain
lightened and the grammar changed, and the wall
showed pure white in the shape of a bird’s wing.