Not an easy day, the writing tough and getting nowhere fast.
Sometimes I think a new realtionship is beyond me. I stumble so and can’t work out what to do when. I feel ridiculously hurt and ridiculously vulnerable for no reason at all. Although I don’t react very much and manage to move on, there is a constant edginess in me, as if I was waiting for the axe to fall.
But I’m so much better than I was a year and a half ago. In fact I’m another person altogether. Listening, caring, trusting, hoping. Full of faults and unsure about everything but hanging in there.
Listening to Bonnie Tyler sing Holding Out for Hero and even able to ad mire myself. I took the greatest risk of my life and whatever happens I followed my heart all the way home.
So I keep changing and growing in between the stuck places. Alcohol seems less and less of a solution for anything. Anaesthetising myself is not what I want to do — even when the feelings are rough, I’d rather be around to feel the rough stuff.
Listening to other members this evening, sitting in a restaurant eating vindaloo curry, thinking that I hope I never feel smart enough to give advice. God knows I don’t take it. But here I am grateful and sober and trudging. with a different attitude and a whole new way of looking at life. As prince hal says to his old boozing friend Falstaff in Shakespeare’s Henry VI part II: ‘Presume not that I am the thing I was.’ That’s me too.
