My heart goes out those in Colorado, terrifying images of burning fires — each summer here we have runaway veld fires, people suddenly finding themselves homeless, people suffering with burns, people dying. It doesn’t matter if your home is a corrugated iron shack or an eight-bedroom mansion with swimming pools and double garages and a landscaped garden, it is still your home.
I was in my 20s when I first read Nora Ephron’s biting satirical wit and I went on from the essays in Crazy Salad to the autobiographical Heartburn and then watched and revelled in Sleepless in Seattle, and When Harry Met Sally. Another loss, Ephron’s death from leukaemia at 71.
“And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The dream dies. Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream.”
Us fools and our dreams. I sat up in bed this morning and sketched out the rough design for a new herbal bed with a zigzag of grey sages and golden feverfews or golden marjoram, a small-leaved Greek basil running prettily along the edges. How chic it will look until picked! Then it will look like all the other herb and vegetable beds I have ever planted, abundant but messy, all chewed up parsley and sprawling mounds of melissa noisy with bees. And the dogs will romp through whatever I plant anyway. But the dream of those horizontal ziggurats of herbal beauty persist.
A friend celebrating her fifth year sober today, saying to me on the phone that she was willing and eager from the start but made more mistakes and muddles than she had done while drinking: falling in and out of love with unsuitable people,resigning from her first decent job, throwing a lump of pastry at her mother-in-law (detail modified for anonymity) and falling off the roof of her ex-husband’s house at 3am while helping to fix a satellite dish connection. I was pleased that I could share my own mistakes and remind her of Nora Ephron’s wise comment:
“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”
Developing a sense of humour about ourselves along the way — indispensable in sobriety.
Sweet acknowledgement to Ms. Ephron.
I think I’ve made a little trouble out there. As a supervisor, I’m sympathetic when women need to stay home to take care of sick children. When my kids were young, working mothers were expected to put work first, family second. That has changed to a great extent, and I feel part of that movement.
Lou, that is good and I also fought for free childcare for single mothers at the university where I worked. It is unacceptable women should have to choose between caring for families and earning a decent living.
I was amazed at the messes I was able to make in my sobriety. But why wouldn’t I? I still was the same person, working on becoming a better person – but suddenly I had the ability to think and follow through on the crazy stuff I thought. Very dangerous!
This made me laugh — so true Mary Christine
I think most of us could start a separate blog or at least be key contributors to one blog soley dedicated to the misshaps we all got into at the hands of alcohol. That bit about fallen goff the roof whilst fixing a satellite dish…oy. I felt that one deep down lol.
I’ll never forget talking to a massage client (sober) about our drunken blunders. She spoke of jumping feet first into an orchestra pit and breaking her back. I told her that I broke my leg twice in one summer. First time sober. Second time was not even 24 hours after I got my cast off. I stumbled drunkenly at 2:00 AM out my back door to make it to 7-11 in time to buy more beer and cigarettes before they stopped selling for the night. Lost my footing, fell, and rebroke the leg.
As we both hung in silence for a moment, lamenting our bad fortune, she didn’t miss a beat. She says to me,
“So, did you get the beer and cigarettes??”
Only out of the mouth of another alcoholic.
Love that — and we are liabilities in sobriety, in a different way
I have made lots of trouble on behalf of women everywhere — most of it in sobriety!I did stuff while I was drinking, but it all seems so sad, I never count it when laughing about my life. The really kooky stuff began in sobriety. Now, I have fun and LIVE on behalf of women everywhere!
I have done the same Susan — with more attention and focus as my sober awareness increased and I understood more about what was needed
You could never accuse me of acting like a lady. I always wanted to be the “neat” girl but you can usually tell what I’ve had for lunch or what I’ve been doing by looking at my shirt. But, it does not deter the dream. Most importantly I’ve found that being myself is the most important thing. It’s just taking some time to figure out who that is.
I’m a messy person myself Jean — I like what you say about figuring who the real self might be
Just yesterday I made an error and the self hatred that arose within alarmed me. This is what I get to see sober some mindfulness in my actions, I hear the voices with more clarity. My heavy drinking arose out of mistakes like I made yesterday. The fine wines just added more fuel to stoke the fire. Today I reach out and practice my program and Acceptance of myself in all my imperfections.
Those impulses of self-hatred or self-loathing come from a very wounded place Dee — acceptance of ourselves as human and the practice of discernment and compassion is so necessary
I’ve loved those who are not ladies but real people. My wife knows how to affect the mannerisms of a lady but is more at home in jeans in the garden with dirt smudges on her face and hands. I love that about her. And I love her mind which is sharp.
She sounds like the kind of person I would like as a friend Syd — I love sharpness and wit in my friends and the side of them that can get their hands dirty!
I’ve added those titles to my reading list. Thanks!
A pleasure BHM — I’m always on the lookout for recommended books