So her family gave a birthday supper for the housemate. It was worse than I could have anticipated. We left as soon as we could decently say goodbye and had a very subdued drive home through the mountains at night, no stars visible.
The hardest thing was that she might as well not have been there. We were greeted and offered drinks and then ignored. They spoke to me a few times, but only to say how much the meal had cost and asked me to guess the price of the gift they gave her. (A bottle of expensive Scotch.) I sat and smiled, nodded and said nothing. Nothing.
They talked to one another, mostly the men — boasting about ‘getting away’ with slightly illegal business scams, about hiring refugees to work on building their holidays homes because refugees will work for a slice of bread a day, about spray-painting a damaged car and selling it as new to a ‘stupid’ young black woman who didn’t know better. Big brother’s son has been working over in the United States and has bonded with a branch of White Aryan Resistance, wants to bring them over to start restoring white pride out here. Numerous comments about how we need another Hitler, the usual derogatory comments about Jewish people, women, jokes about ‘unnatural’ types — they call lesbians ‘mother truckers’, watching me out of the corner of their eyes to see if I might be getting riled.
Two small children were there — the little girl was put down next to a chair and told to play quietly with her Barbie doll, the boy was encouraged to jump around showing how he would shoot anyone who was the wrong skin colour. I don’t know how my housemate survived that family.
So often I forget that racism, like any other deep-seated madness filled with virulent hated and fear, gets worse, intensifies, comes to dominate very aspect of life. There is a germ of greed, violence and rage in there that will spread through generation after generation. These boisterous good-humoured people with their imported cars, speedboats (they do a little abalone poaching on the side), houses built like fortresses with safes full of guns and ammunition, guard dogs, electrified fencing. The underbelly of this country I sometimes forget about, that I pretend doesn’t exist. Those who feel entitled to take power by force, who admire ruthlessness and unabashed greed. All of them ‘decent family men’ and church-goers belonging to all-white churches that are not soft on human rights, no wishy-washy nonsense about equality.
‘Never mind,’ said the housemate this morning. ‘They won’t give me another party for at least a decade and perhaps next time we can send along hired surrogates in denim overalls with shaved heads. They won’t notice we’re not those particular dykes because all mother-truckers look alike to them.’
Dear Louisey.
Never heard the word “Mother-Trucker” before, would not have ever referenced it to any of my Lesbian-friends. Most of them sure don’t look like truckers–in fact, what does a trucker look like? Hmmmm. (What does an alcoholic look like–grin!)
For you both, I’m glad that party is behind you. Maybe housemate should stop having birthdays?–grin!
HITLER? OMG! I forget there are still some Nazis around the world, probably more in U.S., because of freedoms here. That’s the trouble with ‘freedom’, Ha! The whole party you described was disturbing to me.
I do not comment here often, but could not pass on this. I’m so sorry Peeps still are made to suffer, or at least be uncomfortable because of their skin color, speech differences, looks, living in lifestyle different from the neighbor, religious choices, etc.
Guess “etc.” says more than all my previous words.
Blessings to you both. I still read you frequently, and IMO, you are still the “B E S T”
PEACE!
Thank you so much Steve, love to Prayer Girl!
Yes, how did she survive all of that?
For what its’ worth, I’ve never met anyone who ever even knew anyone who was associated with anything Aryan except on prison TV shows.
I am frustrated with their lack of care about their own family member. I know that “shame on you” would not phase them, but didn’t you just want to scream “shame on you!” at them darlin’?
I am guessing that her ability to raise up from that background and become the sweet natured person that she is today, is one of the reasons you are drawn to her. It’s hard not to love what we admire I think.
I would really encourage the two of you to make Christmas card photos with shaved heads and overalls to send to all of them, while holding up a big sign that says “SHAME ON YOU” or better yet….’”SHAME ON Y’ALL”
Love you for this Pam — you know, South Africa has a terrible terrible legacy around racism. I was living down here for the last years of apartheid and it was unbelievable.
But this family has got much worse — they used to be crass and nasty but not threatening and now they are a menace. I did want to yell ‘Shame on you!’ at them and my post has a certain vengeful energy in it. (She said a little penitently.) I admire my housemate more than I can say. She is my family and I know she feels like an orphan right now.
The thing is, that we do survive terrifying families and violent marriages. And alcoholism and addiction. That is grace.
Kudos to your housemate for becoming a good person from that background. Sounds completely horrifying.
They have become much worse than I recall and it was horrible to feel we represented such a threat to their worldview that they could only ignore or deride us.
Oh I see what you mean, no opportunity for intimate connection there, for sure. Sad. Appalling. Frightening.
Yes, ugh — no connection possible.
You did well in the face of what must have been a day from hell. I would have had to take frequent breaks from all of that because I cannot tolerate bigotry. And it feels to me that I am agreeing by keeping a silence. I know how outspoken I can be. It would mean no more invitations which would be a relief. Anyway, restraint of tongue is for me to work on.
There are many like your housemate’s family over here. The South abounds with bigots who don’t like anyone who is “different”. My father-in-law is very conservative and bigoted. I am choosing to not buy into his stuff. And at 91, he isn’t going to change.
We can’t choose I families. I wish though that at some point we could turn the old ones in.
Syd, I know there is bigotry everywhere. often we underestimate how much violence is there in our midst, how many Timothy McVeighs waiting to blow up buildings or shoot innocent people. When I worked on affidavits for the Truth & Reconciliation Commission in the 1990s, I realised how much worse apartheid had been. how much more monstrous than I could have imagined.
But at times, there is no point in arguing. So I am glad I sat and bit my tongue.
Horrific.
Thanks G — yes, horrific.
Your self restraint has given me the hope and inspiration that I can do the same. I admire your strength and composure in the face of gross provocation. Given the ugliness of the situation, I’m kind of surprised you all attend at all. Happy Thanksgiing. xoxo
Hi Susan, thanks for commenting. I attended because of my housemate, but I didn’t know how awful it would be. Out here in southern Africa we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but I hope you had a great day.
I know you don’t celebrate thanksgiving! I justed wished you one for fun. I can’t wait to tell you happy fourth of july!
Your housemate is someone I can easily relate to. I saw a Psychiatrist the other day as part of my ongoing quest as to why I seem to be losing my mind and she commented pretty much the same idea as you expressed about your housemate. Surviving it all I mean, with some semblance of sanity. I could say the same of you, even with the limited knowledge I have of your family of origin and what you have survived.
My feeling about it all is that every personality reacts to events in the way that is needed to attain the wisdom and knowledge that is the bases for growth in a spiritual sense.
All the very best to you and to your housemate Mary.
Andrew, you understand — like my housemate, we came through family insanity and abuse and although I still feel I am limping at times, I have come through. And I believe too that within us we have unsuspected resources and access to a higher power that turns all this into growth.
I think that you’re both very brave to face it. You’re right, I prefer to believe that it doesn’t really exist, not that bad, not really, not that bad.
Sorry for all the typos and bad grammar! My look- good game is not always the best.