Sun out and turning the grass and spears of new watsonia, chismanthus, crocosmia a strange charteuse. Greener than any known green. My herbs have drowned. After 10 minutes of clicking my way around the kitchen with the new clicker and the Great Dane pup, he thinks his name is ‘Good boy!’ A faraway friend who has been sober for five years tells me she thinks she can now drink safely and sociably. Good luck to her.
After muesli I sit outdoors and think about friends going through hard times, family crises, health scares. About an ominous dream I had last night that brought obscure fears to the surface, the kind of dream I might appreciate in retrospect. What shadows lurk just out of sight.
And then I think about coping bahaviours, recalling an astute comment on a sobriety forum. What happens when we stop drinking but go on using the same coping behaviours, stuffing down feelings, turning to daydreams and giving up on reality, procrastinating, living through others, living onscreen rather than with others. Starving ourselves, over-eating, driving ourselves in gym or the workplace, disciplining the body but not the mind, chasing after love in the wrong places, wanting to control everyone around us at any cost. Shaming others as we have been shamed, reminding them we have never done this or that, pointing out faults and failures, overlooking our own self-aggrandising manner. It’s called being human.
And then there’s wishing thinking and there’s life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Peace of mind. Contentment. Reading this from Amy’s Humble Musings:
We’re all reaching, trying to tweak that thing that if we could “just get right” will magically make our lives perfect, or at least….happy. When it’s late and quiet and dark, sometimes we are just thinking about how to hold our marriage together. I think about the perfect formula for happiness all the time, though I’m too theologically snooty to call it that. If I could just lose weight, if I could just control my temper, if I could just remember what I wore yesterday but forget about that thing someone said last month, if I could just be open and vulnerable to the people I love — then everything would be okay. Wouldn’t it?
I often see the same coping behaviors in Andrew, just without the drugs.
I often see the same coping behaviors in myself, whenever reality gets a little too real.
This post reminds me to forgive myself, and others, for being human. We are all OK right now, right in this place.
Keep on clinkin’ dear Louisey.
Thanks Lou — it is so much about developing compassion towards ourselves and others.
I’ve spent far too many years wishing I was better and lamenting that I am not.
Me too — I have a special 3am slot when I lie and think about all the failures and disasters and horrible things I’ve done and how hopeless I still am etc, etc
yes great post
well i se it as the eternal balancing act between too slack and too tight. ie too much will and not enough will. Not an easy balance to strike, but worth the effort.
I prefer not to make a problem out all my shortcomings as I would have no free time to think of anything else if I did
Hi Judith
Yes, it is all about balance and embracing the hard stuff and choosing where we focus attention. A long slow process in my case.
We are drowning here too. My tomatoes are looking all sickly, even though they are loaded with fruit. I’m heading out there now with some pruning shears to take off yellowed leaves and branches. And to pick beans and summer squash.
Thanks for the link to Amy, I had a lovely time there last night reading some of her older stuff as well.
Seems to be the condition of the thinking person, to always be wanting to be better than we have been, to change the past…futile as we know that is. Very hard to find the nesting place right here, in the middle of NOW…and not keep looking over the edge ibnto the abyss.
kisses.
Kisses and a big cyber hug back to you Annie. Yes, that recognition of what we can change what is about the need for self-acceptance is pivotal. And not judging others because they struggle as we do –
Do you use your green tomatoes for chutney?
Yes I do…and I make a sweet conglomeration of stuff that the hillbillies call chowchow at the end of the garden year, consisting of almost all the garden leftovers…peppers, green tomatoes, cucmbers, onions, etc.
Had a great meeting on Step Seven the other night. Humility is important and being in touch with my spiritual side is essential. I too often slide into my old way of thinking which is critical and judging.
It is hard to unlearn those old habits, Syd, I often feel that my years of developing a critical and analytical mind in academia held me back from trusting my intuitions and heart when it comes to problem-solving.
“…I could just listen and hear what it was like to for them, how it felt to be them.”
Such beautiful wisdom.
Sorry–this (#6) should have been posted in “Hanging In There…”
Just a ‘sick old man’….who doesn’t even know what day it is.