Spoke to a doctor yesterday who suggested that I am stressed and tired and not coping well, hence the recurring ailments. Ugh. She asked how I had coped in years gone past and I couldn’t summon up the courage to tell her I just anaesthetised away all my difficuties. Alcohol was a magic wand back then. If I lived closer to the city I would spend some time with a therapist, but that isn’t possible — so I just turn to caring friends and carry on.
Sharing is key in recovery. From an email to a friend who asked about why we pick up the phone so often to confide in sober friends, especially at this time of year:
‘The first time I went into therapy in my 20s I had no idea that talking with anyone could change what was happening in me or with me — I was ‘huis clos’ as Sartre put it, a closed circle, pathologically defended because of all the inappropriate disclosures and behaviours from my troubled parents, just Kipling’s solitary cat on the inside, no desire to share, no point in sharing. I would do what I wanted to do in any case, I had made up my mind, I understood myself better than anyone else, I didn’t trust anyone but myself to make decisions, that kind of closed circle, a trap.
‘And then walking home after long hesitant sessions, I found that I felt and thought differently about some things, that I had begun listening to myself in therapy as if the person speaking was different from the inner me and saying different things, actually wanting to be heard. And the skilled therapist could get me to look at things differently, heard both the speaking and silent aspects of myself sitting there.
‘That opened me to the idea of telling others what was on my mind when I sobered up, not to avert drinking in itself (although sometimes that was why I rang) but because when I was heard, another aspect of myself felt validated or cared for and I could reconnect with the part of myself wanting to care for myself, rather than the part of myself that was indifferent and or despondent or wanted to escape the self altogether. Alcoholism for me has been so much about the divided self, the ambivalence.
‘Conversations and the getting to know another over years are like scaffolding that can build structures leading out of shut-down places, let in new ways of thinking and gradually a habit of sharing, letting others in. That is what is has been like for me. If I were to drink again, it would not seem to be about drinking, it would be a spring coiled and tightening imperceptibly, a certain unhappiness intensifying little by little, hope ebbing, a kind of incremental giving up. The long dark tea-time of the soul as Douglas Adams puts it.
‘Not sure if this is clearly enough expressed, but finding others who are able to listen and attune themselves to the unsaid — what I may not be able to hear myself as yet — is essential in recovery. I could not get sober alone despite heroic and foolhardy efforts over many years, and the implications of shared recovery are more far-reaching than almost any other aspect for me.’
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers and do share those recipes for the ultimate pumpkin pie!
Ahh, the latest is not pumpkin pie, but … pumpkin cheesecake!
I will have to check my mother’s files for pumpkin pie. It is a staple for Thanksgiving.
Sharing is so helpful. I talk to my sponsor just about every day. We have learned to lean on each other.
I found the recipe!
Ingredients:
* 1 3/4 cups canned pumpkin
* 1 3/4 cups sweetened condensed milk
* 2 large eggs, beaten
* 2/3 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
* 2 tablespoons sugar
* 1 1/4 teaspoons ground cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
* 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
* 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
* 9 inches pie shells, unbaked
Directions:
1. Combine pumpkin and remaining ingredients in a large bowl; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer 2 minutes.
2. Pour into piecrust.
3. Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
4. Reduce heat to 350 degrees; bake 50 additional minutes or until a knife inserted in center comes out clean.
5. Cool on a wire rack.
Note that temps are in F. We are still heathens over here.
yes. pulling up the drawbridge is not an option. we need to speak to people. I talk to just about anyone these days
aa or not..
The Perfect Pumpkin Pie
For a 20cm tart tin
For the pastry:
170g plain flour
Pinch of salt
100g cold butter
2tbsp caster sugar
1 egg yolk
For the pie filling:
1 small culinary pumpkin or medium butternut squash
145g maple syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp ground ginger
½ tsp ground cloves
2 large eggs, beaten
150ml evaporated milk
1. Pre-heat the oven to 200C. Cut pumpkin or squash in half or quarters depending on the size, and scoop out the seeds and fibres inside. Place skin-side up in a roasting dish with a couple of tablespoons of water. Roast for about half an hour, until tender.
2. Keeping the oven on, take the pumpkin out and leave to cool slightly, then peel off the skin, and scoop the flesh into a food processor. Whizz until smooth, then put into a fine sieve or piece of muslin suspended over a bowl and drain for at least an hour.
3. Meanwhile, make your pastry. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl, stir in the salt, then grate in the butter. Rub in using your fingertips until it resembles breadcrumbs, then stir through the sugar. Mix the egg yolk with 2 tbsp iced water, and sprinkle half over the mixture, then stir together with a knife until it comes together in a paste – add a little more liquid if necessary.
4. Bring the mixture together with your fingertips, and then roll out on a floured surface to the thickness of a £1 coin. Use it to line a 20cm tart tin. Cover with clingfilm and chill for 30 minutes.
5. Line the pastry case with greaseproof paper and fill with baking beans. Put in the oven for 15 minutes, then remove the paper and beans, and bake for another 5-10 minutes until the base is pale golden. Remove from the oven. Turn the oven down to 180C.
6. Meanwhile, put 250g pumpkin purée in a large bowl, discarding the excess liquid, and stir in the maple syrup and spices. Taste for sweetness, then mix in the eggs. Gradually stir in the evaporated milk until you have a thick, creamy consistency – you may not need it all. Pour into the pastry case.
7. Bake for about 40 minutes, checking from half an hour onwards, until the filling is set, but still slightly wobbly in the centre. Allow to cool on a wire rack for at least an hour before serving.
On the pumpkin cheesecake, I think my sister just used one can of pumpkin pie puree (canned) per a normal 9 inch x 13 inch no-bake cheesecake recipe and mixed together.