Unable to work because of bug-ridden computer and defeatist software. Resting my eyes because of a recurring glaucoma problem, a rare glaucoma that has not affected me as badly as it might have. Sobriety helps establish perspective on health issues.
Invited Pete the Baptist minister to lunch at the weekend and he gave a little disapproving cough, then said he has been happily married for 47 years and has never been unfaithful to his wife. His wife has submitted perfectly to him as head of the household and he would never dishonour that. He does not pay pastoral house calls to unmarried women.
I was a little taken aback, pointed out that I was not asking him out on a date or a pastoral house call, I just thought he might like to meet some people who live in the village and eat an interesting local dish (tripe). He wears a wedding ring, a handknitted green sweater and is pot-bellied and knock-kneed at 67 years old. Very obviously married and not what you might call irresistably enticing. Not somebody who would tempt me to slip into a transparent negligee and act flirtatious while I spooned up sexy mouthfuls of offal.
My housemate has been watching The Dog-Whisperer on television with the neighbours and came home filled with dog-training zeal. She gave the lazy small dog on the sofa a firm but loving look, followed by a firm but loving command to get off the sofa. The dog gave her a firm but loving look in return and went back to sleep.
‘Pete the Baptist thinks I am trying to seduce him,’ I said to the housemate.
“Baptists are very optimistic people,’ said the housemate. ‘Don’t you remember the Hopping, Dancing, Screaming Preacher who came here about six years ago? He was a Baptist too. He used to run into the church and jump onto the piano, hopping up and down and pointing at the ceiling and scream, “Are you READY for Heaven?” like Little Richard but more high-pitched. The church was packed each time he gave a singing sermon and everyone did imitations of him hopping about like a jumping frog. Then he had a divine calling to minister to the heathens in Canada and went off there. In his place we got that gloomy Evangelical who would recite the book of Zechariah by heart and had a nervous breakdown.’
So the housemate and I got up and hopped around the living room screaming ‘Good Golly Miss Molly’ and the dogs joined us, barking in a frenzied manner. Not a glum lot, as the AA-approved literature puts it.