But frozen things they all unfreeze

A great slow annular eclipse has cast its shadow over much of Africa. In the image above, a Kenyan woman watches the eclipse through welding goggles. Reminds me of Amelia Earhart.

Every now and again I come across a blog that reminds me how hard it is for anyone living with an active alcoholic to hold onto their sanity and  perspective,  to deal with the craziness while growing crazier within oneself from fear and doubt and frustration. That alcoholic who takes up all the emotional space in the home: the blurry but unconvincing  cheerfulness, the cold critical moods, the harsh snap judgments, the irritibility, the scariness.  When I was drinking, the most important purpose in my life was to ensure I had a regular and unfaltering suppky of alcohol. and to silence or exclude anyone who got in the way of my drinking. Go look at Letters To My Sober Wife and  identify. When we were monsters.

And this morning I am at a loose end after sending off a completed writing project. Accepted for publication. I should be relieved and happy, but I feel as if I have given birth and someone has hidden the baby. Battling to let go. It should have been smarter and  had more in certain chapters and less in others. I wish I had the skills to do better. But it is good enough, as good as I could make it and  now I just  have to let go.

Out in the garden my  sweet dogs are rolling on the grass and playing together in the sunshine.  I sing Chairlift’s Bruises to them  in memory of the days when I could still do headstands. There are coppery new leaves at the top of my avocado tree , once a sapling perhaps 30 years ago, long before I came here. In Mexico, young avocado leaves are used in recipes along with epanzote and  ground blue corn. I’m not sure that I am ready to eat avocado leaves. A while back I saw a recipe for  baked pizzas on hydrangea leaves from north Sicily and I  think that the taste of hydrangea is bitter and weird. I am going to admire my  bright coppery avocado leaves and  the small green fingerlings and let them stay on the tree.  It is a glorious lazy day and there are bees going crazy in the lavender and the agapanthus nodding like sleepy blue heads –

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I’m permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you but everytime I fell for you
I’m permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like….
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain’t good to me
I’m pink and black and blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

 

 When I was first sober the biggest shock was  the numbness. I was frozen emotionally, I felt nothing. I had to get drunk nto know what i felt. When I was drunk enough, self-pity would wash through me like a flood and all kind of emotions would thaw and I could feel what it meant to be human but drunk. That was all that was left of my ability to respond or  empathize or care about life. My life.

And I am thinking about a friend dealing with hate mail. Bring it out into the light of day and get support, I tell her. There is nothing you are going through that other vulnerable sober women have not gone through before you. Let in the sunlight and fresh air and  togetherness.

The first responsibility lies with the person receiving the emails in that ‘we are as sick as we are secret’. It is important for those  who feel bullied or harassed to speak up.   Further steps: this is advice I have been given by experienced AA members online:  

When targeted by  cyber bullies  don’t respond, don’t interact and don’t engage. Stay alert for provocation, what is sometimes called ‘the baiting game’. Keep a record of all offending emails. The cyber bully

• has never learnt to accept responsibility for his or her behaviour
• abdicates and denies responsibility for anti-social behaviour and its consequences
• is unable and unwilling to recognise the effect of such behaviour on others
• does not want to know of any other way of behaving
• is unwilling to learn appropriate  anger management
• feigns victimhood as a way of deflecting attention from unacceptable behaviour.

  The most effective way to counter email harassment or cyber bullying is to make it public and report the offender. If the identity of the email offender is known to you, tell others and  make it public, ask for help.   Ongoing campaigns of harassment should be reported to your Internet Service Provider (ISP) as well as to the police. Most ISPs have Acceptable Use Policies (AUPs) that clearly define privileges and guidelines for those using their services, and the actions that can be taken if those guidelines are violated.   Email harassment should not be trivialised or minimised., AA does not support or excuse criminal activities.