I am bumbling around finding poetry books and coffee cups and semi–guttered scented candles. My housemate at the age of 68 is going white water rafting on the Orange Riiver, I am sick with fear and try not to show it. We do what we need to do.
I woke up wishing I had someone to talk with. I am suddenly very lonely and uncertain right in the midst of my uncertain life. I talk to my beloved sober friends and they say nothing. I know they care for me. They don’t see the lostness.
One of my images of P ower is Maybelline, best reverenced by Chuck Berry. Not a gal to slow anything down. I suppose I am a stranger in an open car.
One of these day I shall be decisive and lucid again. I am right out in the Amazon, the Sahara, the strange hours before my friend Aletta died. Just bearing witness and checking for bed sores, sips of water, presence. How often do I think of Pam at her mother’s bedside.
The light shines more brightly in darkness.
How often we think of each other…it is incredible.
I watched Out of Africa again last night, and I thought of you; a strong, independent woman in a colorful place. But today you are not seeing yourself that way. I hope you can shake the feelings of loneliness.
well you are welcome to call me whenever you have the urge
thanks to skype and cheap phone rates its very easy 
yeah i find that when you are helpful people sometimes make the mistake of thinking that you yourself do not need help too. weird. i assume everyone needs support. you’ve got my email if you want skype details..
this to shall pass. keep on keepin on..
tell your sober friends of your lostness and aloneness and see what happens..
Good morning, my most favorite bumbler…
I love you. Amazing how sticky this life gets for us from time to time. I’ve been catching up on your last couple of postings…and I want you to know that we all go through times of feeling just as you are now. About the loneliness, about the sense of the Divine. And I have been around these tables for nearly 20 years. I still don’t have the solid sense of it all, as ..say..a Pentecost might. But it’s okay…letting the Divine sense of mystery flow through and around me is enough. I love the joy and I love the fear and I love the myriad feelings that swirl..reminding me that I am alive. That this disease hasn’t taken a single thing from me today. That I am better than ever…despite myself.
So wish I could talk with you or chat with you….or hold you in my arms and whisper into your hair that it’s going to be alright….
xoxoxox
I am astonished when the strong people I know turn up needy. I don’t know why I’m astonished. I have 25 imperfect years on the AA path. I’m strong to some people. I’m needy.
Thank you for writing today. I hope that your loneliness, sadness and, fear abate for you.
I pray that there’s someone you can be useful to.
I know there is – it is a promise.
Blessings and aloha…
((((((((((((Mary)))))))))))))
Oh how hard it is for those of us who are seen as towers… but we have our limits. Please take care.
Well, I seem sometimes to be a tower in my groups here at home. But I know it as the LEANING TOWER, ready to fall, predicted to fall destined to fall. It ain’t gonna happen.
Nor will you stay down, Mary LA…it is only fitting that we feel lonely sometimes. It is then when I know that GOD loves me No Matter What and really, what more do I need? I want, yes, but need???
Bless you for SO many reasons.
The lostness got me over the past few days. I realized that I have great strength but am also so vulnerable…still. If I put my trust in others, they will fail. I have no choice but to trust God who cares for me. With him I am never alone.
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