Looking in the mirror

 

Somebody emailed me and asked: what is wrong with counting drinks?

Well, nothing, if you are doing it with calories in mind. I suppose. But I used to work out that I could have five glasses of wine before I had to go out in the evening. I would work out that if I drank for three hours, I would have another two hours to sober up, have  a bath, drink black coffee, dress, fake sobriety. But after three or four glasses of wine a simpler solution would present itself. I would call up the person who had invited me to her birthday party or book club and I would talk in a slow thick  nasally voice,  a voice heavy with feigned regret, explaining that I had flu. I would apologise for not being there and say I felt bad  for letting her down. She would be kind over the phone, disappointed or exasperated but kind. And then I would have a free evening! As many glasses of wine as I wanted. No sums necessary.

 

When I was five months sober I went off on a 4th Step retreat. I had already done my 4th and 5th Steps and felt this would make it an easy time, a walk in the park. I hadn’t yet realised that the Steps were a lifelong process and would work me. Off I went, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

We sat out in the dusty veld in small cottages with more cold water than hot. In the meetings after the meetings, I listened to joky trade unionists and  enraged housewives and wistful men in search of the ultimate woman. We were sent out to sit under eucalyptus trees to sit and read Step 4  as discussed in the 12×12. I never read that book without the smell of eucalyptus and peppery dust filling my memory.

On the third day of the retreat I was sitting out  under my eucalyptus tree swatting flies and wishing I could take over the cooking of the food, when I came across a sentence in that 12×12.

The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.

 

I read that and my world tilted. I began to understand how blunted and numbed and alone I really was. I came to an understanding that has informed my life ever since and which may not be true for everyone but has helped me stay sober.

As an active alcoholic I was incapable of relationship.

If you are involved with an active alcoholic or drug addict, there is no relationship. Period.

While I was making my amends,  I spoke with a former lover. She heard me out and then she said:

“What I liked was when you were not too drunk, and you were warm and sweet and sexy and funny. And I loved how you used to say you needed me the next day when you were so ill and sorry for what you had done. Those times kept me going.”

“I was lying,” I said to her. Her eyes hardened and she began to distance from the hard truth I had spoken.

The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.

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