Woke up this morning and thought about having to go to two funerals later today, both of them for young people who died of AIDS. It is not a certainty that the funerals will take place because the municipality still has to organise workers to dig the graves. The graveyard has overflowed the old fenced area and extended down the hillside, hot rocky ground that is not easy to dig. Every day of the week there are burials and it is mostly children who die because their little bodies are too malnourished to fight the opportunistic illnesses.
There are times when I feel this plague will never end. I have been going to funerals here and in Zimbabwe, in Kenya and Botswana and Mozambique since 1985, more than 20 years, and sometimes I feel I will keep watching these premature and unnecessary deaths until I myself am ready for the grave.
The society in which we live shapes us for better or for worse. The material conditions of our lives shape our values and sense of community and altruism, and limit or enlarge the possibilities open to us. Unrelieved poverty opens the door to plagues such as cholera, typhoid, tuberculosis and AIDS. If we have no retrovirals because the government does not want to believe AIDS really exists, thousands are condemned to death. If we have no AA or Alanon because nobody will admit he or she is alcoholic or battling to live with an alcoholic spouse, the struggle to stay sober is that much harder. If it is taboo to speak about AIDS or alcoholism so that there is no education in schools or on the television or radio, the lethal ignorance continues unabated. The discourses around shame and secrecy are the hardest to tackle.
All around me on this bright lovely morning there are birds singing, church bells tolling, childrens’ voices on the playing fields across the road — and all I can hear is the deafening silence of a conspiracy to prevent anyone from speaking the truth. It is forbidden to speak about sexuality in Xhosa, especially if you are a woman. The churches outlaw the use of condoms. And the death rate keeps soaring.
Some days are like this. I have an inward commitment that I will not drink today no matter what happens. It is the same commitment I make anew each day and it helps to know I have no desire to drink. If I could go and sit in AA meetings I think I would go twice a day for the rest of my life out of sheer gratitude. But it is not possible, anymore than I can import all the retrovirals needed for this rural community in crisis or empower others to speak out in defiance of the secrecy and fear.
The writer Flannery O’Connor titled one of her books The Life You Save May Be Your Own and sometimes that is all any of us can strive towards.
January 4, 2009 at 9:30 am |
what is it they say? “All you need to start a meeting is a coffee pot and a resentment”. There was a member of my old home group who lived in a remote area. Possibly an island. I can’t remember. He used to visit London once a year to see his old home group. Anyway, year to year it was a lovely listening to how more and more people would show up. not loads. But a few. I think he said something along the lines of he would hold a meeting for an hour and it would be just him and big book. He would set up the chairs and everything. I know other people who went on long boat trips. those fancy cruises. and in order to get to a meeting they would post up on the notice board that if there were any friends of Bill today meet up at one o’clock in the recreation room or words to that effect. Also, somewhere in the big book it says something like “be though you one man with this book in your hand, we believe it contains all you need to begin”. Another significant passage which helps me a great deal regarding the kind of meetings I feel most comfortable in as opposed to getting to a meeting at all, it is the other quote “we will show you how to create the fellowship you crave”. Doesn’t say except for Mary, or Joan, or Dave. I see those promises as being unequivocal. Totally open to all people. And that’s why when when a sponsee’s, sponsee decided to go to Nigeria to take a job there that happened to have no meetings I have no concerns for a welfare in that respect. That could be misplaced who knows? After all Nigeria is no bed of roses, and things go wrong everywhere. But what I mean by that is that both she and I were confident that her sobriety was not something at risk as long as she was willing to “develop her spiritual life by work and self-sacrifice for others”. the other thing that influences my views on the necessity of meetings to keep people sober, is the fact that I see people very regularly who go to far more meetings than I do, who show up all the time, but are hanging on by a thread and deeply troubled. Meaning without the core elements in place of trust God, clean house, and help others in place, no amount of meetings will compensate for that gap. But yes I can see for somebody like you who has no meetings to go to that might sound a bit trite. but somebody like me who lives in an area where there are tons of meetings, you learn very quickly meetings are not enough, and this is demonstrated to you on the almost daily basis by people who relapse. Familiar faces who show up week after week after week, who cannot stay sober. This is usually because they are very self preoccupied and do not genuinely think of others very often. They have no “service mindset” for want of a better word. They might think they help others, but it’s usually a phoney codependent involuntarily response to a sense of obligation, more than a genuine desire to put the interests of others ahead of one’s own, if only for a short while.
Apologies. Yes I know it’s too long. I just got some dictation software and so the whole typing thing has been simplified massively! So I just sit here rambling on, as the computer types itself! Anyway, those funerals sound a little bit depressing if I may say so, and my experience of Ireland means I understand completely what it’s like to grow up knowing that certain subjects are off limits, for fear of offending the wrong thug at the wrong time. so yes I sympathise with the preponderance of funerals. not easy.
By the way, there is a great blog called Zen moments.org I think you would really like it. It looks as though they are fully cybered up and have a web presence on face book and just about everywhere. anyway, I thought you might like it. The people who set up look like they are some nice human beings. Right I’d better be off! I hope you have a lovely Sunday. It’s freezing! Over here. I can hardly bear to drag myself out of the house! But too many calories in December mean the gym is not an option! Thanks for the nice post and see you soon
January 4, 2009 at 11:30 am |
Good afternoon, Mary! Odd, to write that at 5:30 AM. Reading and commenting your blog daily has given me a new perspective on our small world. Seldom have I given thought to the fact, that as I rise (early) from deep slumber, others are having a nice lunch under the sycamore (well maybe not sycamore?)
Still others are having nothing to eat, wear, sleep on or in. Those same ‘others’ maybe even have nothing to DO. And time moves slowly with those circumstances.
So I picture myself in both instances, and have great moments of thoughfulness, usually before dawn, each day in Florida, US.
Sorry–I got sidetracked from your blog–maybe not. I thought I held the record for a “blong”, but Irish Friend has me beat. He does speak well and good. In any dissertation, it’s the imported thought which I discern. And it is good for me…almost always!
Mary, you wrote: “If I could go and sit in AA meetings I think I would go twice a day for the rest of my life out of sheer gratitude.”
Ya know, for many years I had two, sometimes three employments a day, and I remember driving a bus daily, saying to myself, “When I retire, I’m going to as many meetings as I can”. Well, do you know, it happened! I am SO fortunate to go now to two meeting EVERY day, and sometimes three, or four.
And Mary, I L.O.V.E. them! I thrive on listening, hearing and understanding more and more about Alcoholics Anonymous, God, other alkies, and me.
I wonder if you can even IMAGINE my gtatitude? I get to spend time with new members–right out of the woods (literally!) and long-time sober ones as well. I wake each day with anticipatory thoughts and feeling, my heart even speeds slightly, wonderingly, knowing that good things will be happening in me and around me today.
These will include–but not be limited by–writing you (pleasant moments for sure!), attending meetings, working with another, riding my bike (that’s BIG ‘pleasant’!) playing my violin, blogging, commenting, living, learning and loving…loving you, all the bloggers, and probably everyone I meet, and especially my wife, “One Prayer Girl” (Anna).
My regret of today (each day there are more than too many) is the frustration I feel in not being able to help those in dire need, e.g., those you so eloquently describe to us, mainly the CHILDREN, who have not asked for their lot, and who have no way to help themselves. Reminds me of many “bottomed” alcoholics.
Mary, I’m going to make this my blog for today, and I’ll pray that is not offensive to you in any way.
NOTE: Maybe I retrieved the “Top(?)-Spot for blong commentaries right here, right now?
Peace, and Love, from
Steve
January 4, 2009 at 3:37 pm |
Oh Mary,
I am hearing you. I don’t think anyone can wrap their brain around what you are saying unless they live exactly where you live.
I want to acknowledge that.
I think it is hard to be You, where You are on our planet and yet I can also hear and feel the love you have for where you are.
You have an awesome spirit my friend.
I am hearing you.
January 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm |
I am with Pam, I don’t understand what you see as I am not there, just as living in rural Appalachia in the states has it’s idiotsyncratic responses to AIDS and Alcoholism. I hear you and I feel powerless to what you are saying outside of I am amazed by your strength, your spirit and your ability to endure what is there.
Love to you!
January 5, 2009 at 2:48 am |
Hello, darling girl.
We find our place in the Universe. Not always knowing the whys or wherefores. My heart hurts when I read of life in Africa. I suspect that like most, I never know if there is anything that can be done. If these souls have chosen their path, or their path has chosen them.
You are one of the lights, shining into the dark places, and I want to thank you for that. Like a couple of folks have said, we have no idea, for the most part. Keep shining. I need you.
January 5, 2009 at 3:33 am |
Poignant post. I have a low tolerance for people who obfuscate the truth, having grown up among a pack of lies. Knowing that a government perpetuates such a massive lie on its people makes me so angry and sad. Denial is a terrible thing when an individual practices it upon himself. Society under denial is plain unconscionable – and bordering evil in my eyes. Especially when it’s the innocent who pay.
Um, I guess I have a little resentment to work out. :/
January 5, 2009 at 5:56 am |
Thank you for this moving and beautifully-written depiction of the toll of HIV/AIDS on your community. For what it is worth, please know that there are many people around the world praying for your people and the pain they face.
All the best to you.
January 8, 2009 at 2:44 am |
Thank you for this beatiful post. I was literally moved to tears by your words. I hope that you don’t mind, but I would like to share some of your words on my blog with my readers. I am including a link to this page, as well as the name of your blog. I just want to expose as many people as possible to the realities of your world, so that they will sit up and take notice, if only for moment.