Lay sleepless for hours. It was raining when I went to sleep and it is still raining.
All the comments of support have moved me very much. Thank you.
Right now I probably know more about the workings of my mind than I care to think. It will be a relief to get somewhere different where I can make myself useful and get out of my head. Service is a good thing.
It is illuminating but horrible to see the recurring patterns of self-justifying and excuses that accompanied me for so long in my alcoholism. The truth is iuncomfortable but it is, well, the truth and there is no point going on and on about ‘going to AA to talk’ or ‘engaging in a talking cure’ if we do not talk about what is really going on and our role in what is going on.
So often when I talk about the past it is because I am reluctant to deal with the present. The now of what my life has become and how I am responsible for that. Myself alone as I am now, not the long-ago child with her hurts and grievances or the moody ignorant young woman I once was.
I don’t know what to do next and what to make of this mess. It is one great tangled messy error of judgment. Humiliating and hurtful and a waste of time and money.
So, as I have coffee and a hot bath and wait to hear about arrangements for a lift from the airport back in South Africa I shall just resolve not to have anything to drink today and to surrender to the Higher Power of my understanding. I don’t have much understanding of my Higher Power but that does not matter. There are times when imagination and insight and intuition come to my aid and there are times when I am empty and like a stone. But still able to surrender.
Handing over and hoping it will all make sense one of these days…