Lay sleepless for hours. It was raining when I went to sleep and it is still raining.
All the comments of support have moved me very much. Thank you.
Right now I probably know more about the workings of my mind than I care to think. It will be a relief to get somewhere different where I can make myself useful and get out of my head. Service is a good thing.
It is illuminating but horrible to see the recurring patterns of self-justifying and excuses that accompanied me for so long in my alcoholism. The truth is iuncomfortable but it is, well, the truth and there is no point going on and on about ‘going to AA to talk’ or ‘engaging in a talking cure’ if we do not talk about what is really going on and our role in what is going on.
So often when I talk about the past it is because I am reluctant to deal with the present. The now of what my life has become and how I am responsible for that. Myself alone as I am now, not the long-ago child with her hurts and grievances or the moody ignorant young woman I once was.
I don’t know what to do next and what to make of this mess. It is one great tangled messy error of judgment. Humiliating and hurtful and a waste of time and money.
So, as I have coffee and a hot bath and wait to hear about arrangements for a lift from the airport back in South Africa I shall just resolve not to have anything to drink today and to surrender to the Higher Power of my understanding. I don’t have much understanding of my Higher Power but that does not matter. There are times when imagination and insight and intuition come to my aid and there are times when I am empty and like a stone. But still able to surrender.
Handing over and hoping it will all make sense one of these days…
Oh, the hills and valleys of living in recovery seem so much higher and deeper than any old time in life that I know of. For us women it is more, I think, as we get hit where we live. I think I could manage better having limbs torn off than I can heartbreak. Because [again] it’s where I live. But the honest beauty of learning who we are, what we can take and what we won’t, is one more defining boundary of our life.
I love you, darlin’, and am sorry this is being so painful. But you know what they say: “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” You will come through the other side of this, wiser, more complete and even more sober.
My thoughts and love are with you…
Just do the next right thing.
When in doubt, do no more than pray and ask for guidance. Works for me.
Please take heart. You are not alone, neither in your alcoholism nor your heartbreak. Finding your blog has been a blessing beyond measure for me: My heart, lately, is shattered in a million little pieces,and my nights are beyond description. Still, I haven’t drank and I’m trying to reconnect with my program and with others. Your writing is beautiful, and half a world away you console me. Thank you, and let us both carry on. Love….
Life on life’s terms is not easy or comfortable at times. We ask our Higher Power to redirect our thoughts and turn to others. It is through working with others that we get more out of ourselves than any other activity. Keep trudging, the path will take you where you need to be.